It’s not often we stray into topical topics, but recent events in the world of politics have led us to pass on some useful and informative background reading to help you make more sense of Brexit. As we’re currently hearing in the news, there’s great confusion about arrangements on the Northern Irish border if Brexit takes effect as planned in March 2019. But for some reason we hear a lot less about the difficulties that could ensue on the many internal borders within the Outer Hebrides. When the UK leaves the EU in March 2019, for example, Scalpay will stay in Europe because it’s actually in Spain (and has been since 1588, as any amadan familiar with the Dun Ringles’ poorly spelt prog rock epic “Scalpoch Armada” will tell you). To maintain frictionless trade across the Scalpay bridge, the natural solution would be for the rest of Harris to follow EU regulations, but hardline Hearach seceders in the Democratic Urgha Party (under the leadership of Aline Foster) refuse to countenance such an arrangement. For similar reasons, again based on Spanish territorial claims, border controls are likely to spring up the Goat Island causeway, and on all roads leading in and out of Tolsta Chaolais. Tong, naturally, has used its Washington connections to secure a unilateral trade deal with the USA, but this does not extend to the neighbouring townships. So there’ll have to be a wall at Coll, and another one on the Newmarket road to prevent cheap steel imports from the scrapyard at the Blackwater. North Tolsta has negotiated a peats-for-kimchi deal with North Korea, which will require a DMZ to be created between the Glen and Gress, which is joining Greece. Meanwhile the Niseachs, as part of Norway, are insisting on remaining in EFTA, so strict customs controls will be put in place on the A857 North of Fivepenny Borve. Trade between Point and the rest of the Island is already difficult due to its worsening diplomatic relations with everybody. Sanctions are likely to intensify following Point’s interference in the Tong Presidential elections, and the Rubhach Secret Service’s attempts to assassinate defector Sergei Suardal in the Crit by secretly lacing his Stewart’s Cream of the Barley with water. Rubhach leader Vladimir Sput-in’s claims that his agents were mere tourists, visiting the town to see the world famous spire of Martin’s Memorial, are generally not believed. And that takes us to the Back Bus Stop that we’re hearing so much about. This is the great unanswered Brexit question – why the fleek would anyone want to get off the bus in Back?!? It’s not all bad news, though. According to some writing in the dirt on the side of the Plasterfield bus, Brexit will leave the Health Board with an extra £350 million a day to spend on closing things down.

13 12 2018
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