Ian Lavasgarage: Private Pairc from DAFS Army

Readers will be aware of the recent passing of actor Ian Lavender, best known for his role as Private Pike in the hugely popular BBC sitcom ‘Dad’s Army’. ‘Pike’ was the last surviving member of the regular cast and his passing has led many of us to reflect again on “Dads’ Army” and what a great show it was. 

‘Dad’s Army’ depicted the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard during World War II. This ragtag platoon of bodachs, who were well past their prime, was led by the bumbling, officious but enthusiastic Captain Mainwaring, and were the last line of defence against a potential German invasion. 

‘Dad’s Army’ was the brainchild of writing duo Jimmy Perry and David Croft. They brought the Home Guard heroes of Walmington-on-Sea to life, not least the baby faced Private Frank Pike, played so memorably by Ian Lavender.

The well-meaning Home Guard volunteers provide both humor and heart throughout the show’s 9 year run, resulting in a beloved classic that continued to draw in new audiences long after its original run.

It’s been hinted many times that the inspiration for Dad’s Army came from a similar BBC Alba programme called ‘DAFS Army’ created in 1969 by Jimmy Ferry and David De-croft. They just happened to be cousins of Perry and Croft and had shown them early scripts one time when they were up for the North Lochs Communions. 

During the Second World War, the Department of Agriculture and Fisheries realised that crofting was essential for the nation’s food supply, and so they set up the “DAFS Army” to repel Hitler in case he set his sights on any Common Grazings land, or tried to poach any deer.

Every township across the crofting counties had a DAFS Army platoon, usually made up of bodachs who were too old to be called up, or those in reserved occupations.

To defend the fictional Leodhasach village of Warming-tòn-on-Seaforthroad, Ferry and De-croft assembled a cast of elderly actors, many of whom were veterans of the local film and TV industry going back to the days of the Shealing Comedies or even earlier.

Main Characters

The platoon commander was Captain Marvig, played by Arthur Lowersandwick, an officious Peat Bank Manager. 

Marvig’s second in command was the suave and gentlemanly Sergeant Arthur Woolson, played by John le Mochruithear. By day, Woolson worked as Marvig’s Chief Clerk. An ongoing source of hilarity was the relationship between Woolson and the mother of…

…Private Fank Pairc, played by Iain Lavasgarage, who also worked as a junior clerk at the Peat Bank. (As readers may already have guessed, Lavasgarage was a cousin of the late actor Ian Lavender, who played Private Frank Pike in the English copy of the series).

Next in order of rank was the elderly Lance Corporal Blones, played by Clive Dunberisay. Blones was the local butcher and a veteran of General Kershader’s 1896 campaign in the Suetdan, remembered for classic catchphrases such as “Don’t feannag” and “They don’t like it Uppercoll”

Private Godfreychurch, played by Arnol Ridley, was even more elderly and performed the role of Platoon medic and constantly asking if he could ‘be excused’ in order to have a swift dram in the gents. 

Private MacCrae-ser, played by John Lorry, playing a dour Undertaker

Private Waulker, played by Seamus Beag, who was a blackmarketeer Tweed dealer 

Supporting Cast

Air Raid Warden loo Horgabost, played by Mill Pertweed, who had his own memorable catchphrases (You fleeking ‘ooligan!’) and was always calling Capt Marvig  ‘Napoleon!!!’ 

Reverend Timothy Fank-thing, the local Free Church Minister who let the Platoon use the Church Hall, played by Fank Williams

Godfreechurch’s sisters Dollag and Chrissy

Church Verger Mr Peatman 

Mrs Mavis Pairc, mother of Fank and a very close friend of Sgnt Woolsen. 

Over the course of its 9 year run, the Platoon had many memorable adventures including perhaps Ian Lavasgarage’s best loved episode – the one with the U-boat.  A German submarine sneaks into Loch Seaforth to cut down the trees in Aline Forest,  but gets its propeller caught on a poacher’s salmon net and has to surrender. The officious German Captain keeps a wee black book of every one who disrespects the Reich, with a threat that they’ll pay for it once the Nazis ‘haf von ze var’. Private Pairc sings a wee ditty, enraging the German skipper who demands that Pairc cuts down a row of Sitka spruce. When Pairc refuses, Captain Marvig shouts ‘Don’t fell ‘em Pairc!’

Readers will recall the theme song from the show as performed by Bud Feanag-an:

Who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler 

If you think we’re on the Rum?

We are the coves who will stop you nicking our Game

We are the coves who will chase you off the croft again

‘Cause who do you think you are fleekin’ kidding Mr. Hitler

If you think old Stornoway’s done?

Murchadh Donn goes down the town on the eight twenty-one

But he ‘Home Guards’ each evening 

(except if it’s a Sun)

So who do you think you are kidding Mr. Hitler

If you think old coves are done?

Stornowayne Macraemer RIP.

Fans of revolutionary late 60s Detroit proto-punk were saddened recently to hear of the death of “Brother” Wayne Kramer, second last surviving member of controversial rockers The MC5. 

The MC5 were legendary for the incendiary rock captured on their 1968  “Kick Out The Jams” album, and became a huge influence on later musicians, but commercial success always eluded them due their involvement in the radical street politics of the 60s counterculture, their voracious drug intake and their fleekeen awful language – all summed up in their manifesto: “Dope, Rock ‘n’ Roll and ****in’ in the streets”.

Detroit, as we all know, was home to a large Hebridean emigrant community and so it will come as no surprise to our readers to learn that Kramer and the rest of the MC5 (Fred “Sonic” Smith, Rob Tyner, Dennis “Machine Gun” Thompson and Michael Davis) all had relatives back on the croft, probably.

There’s a very common myth that the MC5’s sound was a direct response to their experience of life on the mean streets of late 60s Detroit – race riots, Vietnam protests, police brutality,  the Black Panthers, the Weather Underground, the National Guard on the streets and the struggle of the counterculture against “The Man”.

This of course is fleekeen ruppish; In actual(ish) fact, Kramer and his bandmates nicked all their ideas about rock ‘n’ roll and revolution off their Stornoway cousins, when they were over visiting their great auntie Kennag on Seaforth Road in 1965.

In early November of that year, when they were still known as “The Motor City 5” (with a set consisting exclusively of the danns a’ rathaid tunes popular at Detroit Lewis & Harris Society tattie & herring suppers), Kramer, Smith et al came home on their holidays. 

Naturally, since it was just a couple of days before Guy Fawkes, the streets round great auntie Kennag’s house were in flames, with martial law, police helicopters overhead, and running battles between the Battery Boys, the Plastics and the Manor gang going on 24/6. Looting was rife, with a can of Sweetheart Stout and 10 Woodbines going missing from Cathie Ghall’s when nobody was looking. The Sea Cadets were sent out on the streets to restore order, and resorted to brutal methods such as tying people up (with very elaborate nautical knots) and singing English Episcopalian Hymns at them.

The coves fresh off the boat from Detroit had never seen such chaos, and hid in great auntie Kennag’s wardrobe for 3 days. Eventually a chance to escape the area arose, in the form of an invite to see their cousin Stornowayne’s band opening for the Karltoans at Laxdale Hall.

The “Murdo City 5” (as they were known at the time) consisted of: 

Stornowayne Makraemer (Guitar)

Dennis “Drenching Gun” Autos (Drums)

Fred “Sonic” Smithavenue (Guitar)

Michael Deamhais (Bass)

Rob Taigh-na-***** (Lead Vocals)

Now, back in these days there was a big  hole in the back wall of the Laxdale hall, and at Friday night dances, the first act had the job of chasing out any stray livestock that had wandered into the building during the week.

So it was that as the Detroit coves walked in, they came upon chaotic scenes as the Murdo City 5 simultaneously attempted to clear the hall and do their soundcheck – bleating sheep, feedback, barking dogs, sweary words being shouted at barking dogs etc etc. At the centre of the maelstrom stood Murdo City 5 vocalist Rob Taigh-na-***** shouting the band’s infamous catchphrase – “Kick Out The Rams, Murdofleekers!”. 

The band then launched into a succession of high-octane numbers such as “Murdo City’s Burnin’”, “Lookin’ at Ewes”, Black To Comm(unions), “The Amarybank Ruse”, “Shakin’ Peat” and a blistering adaptation of Free Jazz (Continuing) Chanterist Sun Ra-nish’s “Starsheep”. 

The songs were interspersed with rabble-rousing political harangues from the 5’s manager and ‘spiritual advisor’  John Sinclairplace – self-appointed leader of the Coulegrein branch of the White Panther (Continuing) Party, intent on stirring the audience into revolution.

For Kramer and his pals this was a moment of revelation – they took copious notes before fleeking off back to Detroit, shortening their name to “The MC5”, swapping their melodeons for guitars and copying everything they’d seen (with a few minor local adaptations). The rest is history.

Back in Stornoway, the “Murdo City 5” generously allowed their Detroit cousins to use the “MC5” tag; they’d got the cuiream in the meantime anyway, and by 1966 were known as “The APC5”. 

The APC5’s subsequent career mirrored that of their Detroit cousins in many ways: 

They maintained a strong involvement in  politics, famously playing an 8 hour set at the Anti-Vietram war riots outside the 1968 Kershader Common Grazings Committee National Convention. They had to, because none of the other so-called radical hippie artistes on the bill turned up, except (and even this is disputed) diehard marxists Country Maw & the Fishvan, and folkie Phil Lochs.

And the band continued to be no strangers to controversy; When Stornoway’s largest department store refused to stock their  first album, “Kick Out The Rams”, the APC5 used their label Croft Recordings’ money to take out a full page advert in the Gazette saying: “Fleek Woolies” … and a great scandal ensued. 

As with the MC5’s infamous  “F*** Hudson’s” debacle over in America, this led to the APC5’s record company dropping them. 2 critically acclaimed but commercially unsuccessful albums on Barratlantic Fish Processing Records followed:- “Bacachs in the USA” (1970) and “Haoidh Tuyme” (1971).

By 1973 the APC5’s substance abuse issues (Flukanide and Piper Export, mostly), perilous finances and relentless touring schedule had taken their toll, and they split up. 

In the late 70s the APC5’s work was ‘rediscovered’ by many of those involved in the islands’ emerging punk scene. Allegedly the band were pencilled in for a spot on “Sad Day We Left The Croft” which might have revived their career, but the deal fell through because Stornowayne Macraemer and Michael Deamhais were away in Craig Dunain at the time. The slots on the album reserved for The APC5 were instead filled at the last minute by young upstart teen punks “Addo With Mission”. 

In later years the APC5 had several reunions, albeit with a diminishing number of original members as they died off. A new album “Heavy Crofting” – featuring guest appearances from Churns and Doses guitarist Sloshed and Tom Moor-ello from Rage Against the Maw-chine – was in preparation at the time of Macraemer’s death.

For readers who want to find out a bit more about Brother Stornowayne Macraemer’s eventful life and works, we recommend his autobiography “The Bàrd Stuff” – although we must admit it’s a bit light on the music side, focussing almost exclusively on the years he spent working in a well known Church Street building supplies shop.

Fank Ferry-iain and Bloney M

Fans of top quality manufactured pop and assembly-line Eurodisco were saddened to hear of the passing of German record producer Frank Farian, probably best remembered for Boney M and Milli Vanilli. 

From his lair in Deutschland’s FAR studios, 

Farian extended a Svengali-like control over the acts he produced and packaged, often recording the vocals himself and just getting his artistes to mime when out on tour.

By a bizarre coincidence, Farian’s passing happened to be on the same day as his third cousin Fank from Ness. As it happens, Fank Ferry-iain was no mean producer himself, scoring many top 40 successes in the world of prefabricated Leodhasach schlagerpop and generic  Eoropiedisco.

In the early 70s, producing records for other people in his high end FAIRE studios in the Niseach village of Mawsbach, Ferry-iain became fed up with his narcissistic pop star clients and their over-inflated opinions of their abilities. 

Fsnk saw these acts making fortunes (sometimes up to £3.54p) despite him doing all the hard production work, and decided it would be a lot more profitable if he owned the acts, played all the music, controlled everything and pocketed all the takings. 

With this in mind Fank established Bloney M in 1976.  His business model was to write and record a pile of catchy pop songs but hire three blones who couldn’t sing and a cove that vaguely knew how to do a couple of Highland Dances, and get them to mime to a pre-recorded song, as a ‘real’ group. 

The four lucky people Fank hired were Liz Mitchellsbus, Marie Barrethomesnearplasterfield, Maizi JDWilliamscatalogue and dancer Bobban Farnol

(Farnol was Ferry-Iain’s second choice – he’d originally wanted to recruit a certain famous Stornoway worthy for the role, but couldn’t afford him. For similar reasons Ferry-iain was forced to abandon his initial choice of name: “Bogey M”).  

Co dhiù, Ferry-iain dressed the ‘band’ up in the latest 1970s ‘dees-go’ fashions (flared boiler suits and sequined Arnish boots) and sent them off around the Youth Clubs, village halls and bothans, to start building up a fan base. 

After a lacklustre start, Bloney M made a career-changing appearance on top Radio Brenish DJ Murchadh Löchiebuzch’s TV show “Musiklachan” which was widely broadcast all over most of Uig. As a consequence, their single “Daddy Cool(egrein)” shot to the top of the Maciver & Dart’s hit parade.

From there on there was no stopping Bloney-M, and a string of hits dominated the charts through 1977 and 78, including:

Maw Baker: following hot on the heels of Daddy Cool(egrein)

By the Rivers of Bayble-on: (which dominated the Woolies charts in 1978, thanks to a double A side with Brown Gull In The Ling) 

Ra Ra Ranish Spùt-in 

(A big success in the West, but banned in North Lochs, the Soviet Union and Point). 

Crofter Van

Hurray Hurray It’s a Communion Holy-Holiday

Mary’s Maw Child (Xmas number one in 1978 and became one of the top selling singles ever – 7 copies!!)

Bloney M also had huge success with their album ‘Night Flight to Valtos’, packed as it was with hit after hit.

Eventually as the 1980s rolled on the hits began to dry up, and Fank’s interest in Bloney M diminished.  Matters came to a head in 1985 when their single “Young, Free Presbyterian and Single” peaked at number 48 in the DD Morrison’s Top 20 and the band split up. 

But that didn’t keep Fank down for long. He hit gold once more in the late 80s and early 90s with  StickysMilli-Van-Uilly, another ‘studio’ act who had a string of hits including ‘Girl You Know It’s Bru’ and ‘Girl I’m Gonna Miss Ewe’  . They also had groovy outfits worthy of the 1970s excesses of Bloney M, with trademark Umbro football shorts from Nazirs and thigh high wellies from the Crofters. 

StickysMilli-Van Uilly received a Granny award in 1989 for best album but this was soon revoked when it was discovered that the two band members didn’t sing on any of their songs and that it was all Calum Kennedy samples. 

Ferry-iain also produced Peat Loaf’s 1986 album “Blind Before I Stop Drinking 4 Crown” when the Loaf and his regular producer Jim Steinishman were having one of their falling outs. 

And he propaply did some other stuff as well.

Annie Knittingael DChay RIP

Members of the local Lewis music scene were in mourning last week following the passing of Annie Knittingael, well known DChay and maker of fine bobban chumpers. Annie evidently had a mainland cousin who was also a well-known broadcaster.

Knittingael began her career as a journalist in the early 60s, reporting for the Steinish and Mossend Livestock Quarterly Classifieds and the Exchange & Fish Mart. But she took a keen interest in the music scene that was springing up at the time, and it wasn’t long before she was writing regular pop columns in the Gazette and the Free Church Monthly Record Mirror, as well as in glossy blones’ mags like  “Cosmawpolitan”  

Knittingael soon became well known on TV as a regular guest on ‘Button Box Jury’, the popular early 60s show where the island’s finest button accordion players would try and win over the sceptical panel and get them to say that their tune would be a hit.

She also made regular appearances on ‘Ready Steady (Coinneach) Gó’ and was pals with loads of the pop stars of the day, from the Peatles and the Rodel Stones to Dusty Springfieldroad.

One of Knittingael’s many 60s ventures was a popular chain (well, one in Stornoway and one in a traveling van) of groovy boutiques called ‘Snèap’ where she sold her fab knitwear.

What with all this carry-on at the forefront of 60s youth culture, it was inevitable that Knittingael would become involved with the offshore pirate radio craze, and indeed she made her first forays into broadcast D-chaying in 1966 with a show on Radio Calumina, anchored out in Broadbay.

But Knittingael came to real fame in 1970, when she became the first blone to host a show on BBC Radio Ranol. The rest of the DChays (Tony Bac-burn, John “The” Peel, Dave Lee Barvas, Emperor Roskove, et al) were all male and so at first didn’t take kindly to the fact that Annie’s role was not to make them tea and bake scones, and that she insisted on playing records!!  

Knittingael remained the only female DChay at the station for 12 years, until Janice Longislandinsulation joined in 1982.

In the late 70s, Knittingael took over as the presenter of BBC Alba’s ‘serious’ rock show “The Oatcake Whistle Test”.  Her predecessor Òb Harris was always criticised for playing too much Eagles, Clapton and Dun Ringles, but Knittingael opened the door to more “modren” styles of music. 

With Annie at the helm, the Whistle Test saw groundbreaking appearances by many of the punk rock acts of the day, who were banned from mainstream TV due to all the swearing, spitting, and wearing of non-flared trousers – The Rong, The Bruce Wayne Band, Noise Annoys and even Island Express (who kept the flares).

She also championed the more experimental post-punk Newton Wave bands of the late 70s such as the Bland, the Battery Boys and K*nny F*gs & G*ry H*wth*rne.

In 1985, Annie was also the main presenter ‘across the pond’ on the Fiddigelphia stage at Lythe Aid, where she introduced Simple Rinds, Airidh O Peatwagon, and Billy Ossian. 

Knittingael was supposed to introduce chart-topping baldy ex-Genesisexodusleviticusnumbers drummer Phil Outendcollins as well, but famously that never happened. 

(Outendcollins’ much-publicised plan for a supersonic dash to Fiddigelphia after playing his first set at Goathill Stadium failed, when he stopped off for a livener in the Star Inn, and missed the Ranish bus. He did eventually arrive in a taxi at 6:30 the following morning with the remains of his carry-out, but by that time everybody had fleeked off home – even the famously hard-partying Knittingael). 

Annie also hosted the TV show ‘Late Night In Convert’, featuring the latest local rock star to get the cuiream and give up his rock and roll lifestyle.

Most middle-aged readers will of course remember Knittingael best for her years on Radio Ranol’s request show.  Knittingael presented the show for 2 hours every Sunday night for several decades, but the only track anybody ever requested was Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘Freebird’.

One night in 1988, when Radio Ranol’s copy of the classic Skynyrd 45 finally started wearing out, Knittingael dropped into the Galaxy disco to see if she could borrow a copy off Sheep. That was when she discovered the emerging electronic dancefloor sounds of the day (Back Box, Ness’express, Fankie Knock-les, A Guy Called Hearach, Yazz & the Plasterfield Population etc) and it proved to be a turning point in her career. 

It wasn’t long before all the trendy young Dchays on the cutting edge of the club scene (Twilights and Zebo’s) were finding themselves outplayed and perplexed as Knittingael spun the decks. How could an old cailleach of nearly 50(!) keep up with the ever-changing world of SY dance music sub-genres?  There was House, Black House, Sheep House, Grime(shader), Techno(mobile), Chungle, Maragdub(h)step, Breakpeat, Dram ‘n’ Bàs and of course the Highland Schottische.

Annie was also renowned as a great (and very fast) knitter of bobban chumpers and used to knit a chumper for every band whose record she played (whilst the record was playing). It is widely reported that Van Halen’s hit ‘Chump(er)’ and the Stones ‘Chumper Jack Flash’ were inspired by Annie’s knitting needles.

For readers who want to know a bit more about Knittingael’s long and colourful career, we recommend her 2 excellent volumes of autobiography: “Chase the Fàd” and “Haoidh High (Free) Haoidh-o Haoidh-ram Hell, Obh”.

David Soval RIP

David Soval RIP

Fans of TV’s “Starsky & Hutch” were saddened recently to hear of the passing of David Soul, who played Kenneth “Hutch” Hutchinson opposite Paul Michael “Starsky” Glaser. 

Soul also had a successful musical career in the 70s with smooth soft rock hits such as “Don’t Give Up On Us, Baby” and “Silver Lady”, and enjoyed a varied post-”Starksy & Hutch” career in TV, film and theatre on both sides of the Atlantic.

Sadly the demise of his cousin from Keose the very same day passed relatively unnoticed in the general media frenzy. And so we feel compelled to set the record straight by remembering David Soul’s island relative, the almost nearly equally successful David Soval.

David Soval will of course be best remembered for his role in BBC Alba’s 70s cop show “Starskigersta & Hutch” set in the fictional “Californian” metropolis of Bayhead City

It is said that the show’s producers hired Soval based on his intense performance in “Maaruignum Force” (1973), the second of the violent “Dirty Harris” films in which tough but righteous Inverness-shire Council refuse collector Clint Eastlochtarbert went around cleaning up the mean streets of the Bays Area. Soval played a member of a secret death squad within the Cleansing Department, who came to a sticky end when Clint figured out what was going on.

Co dhiù, back to “Starkigersta & Hutch”, where Soval played raw-as-a-peat Siarach detective Hector Murray, (known as “Hutch” because he insisted on pronouncing his first initial in the extremely beyond-the-cattle-grid maw fashion). 

His partner-in-fighting-crime was maverick ex-Adabroc Police Department officer Dave Starskigersta (played by Paul Michael Nessglazer).

As with many of BBC Alba’s most successful crime shows “Starskigersta and Hutch” was produced by local TV moguls Aaron Spealtrag and Lional Goldberg. (Other Spealtrag-Goldberg productions included “Charlie Barley’s Angels”, “Fantasy Islandroad”, “Hart to Cearc” and “T.J. Guga”).

Spealtrag and Goldberg’s cousins over in America were always nicking their ideas, so when “Starsky & Hutch” appeared on US TV a few months after “Starskigersta & Hutch” made its BBC Alba debut, few were surprised at the similarities.

“Starskigersta & Hutch” featured a number of memorable supporting characters including Huggy Bearnara, the streetwise and jive-waulking cove played by Antonio Barvas. Huggy had a nightclub called “The Peats” where the two cops often got useful leads.

The coves’ boss was the formidable Leverburgh seceder elder Captain Obbe, played by Bernie Amadan. The Captain did his best to let the duo get on with the job while often taking flak from above for their unorthodox tactics. But sometimes even he was forced to order a halt to their investigations. In one episode, while investigating a major bank heist being plotted for the day of the Tarbert communions, the pair went undercover as Free Presbyterian catechists. However when they inadvertently caused a riot at a pre-òrduighean meeting with potential new communicants, Captain Obbe was forced to utter his catchphrase: “Starskigersta! Hutch! Ah’m takin’ you off the ceist!”

Viewers of the series’ US counterpart will recall Starsky’s famous car – the red and white Ford Gran Torino known as the “Striped Tomato”. This was of course modelled on Starskigersta’s red Fordson Gran Todhar-ino tractor, known to all as the “Striped Buntàta”.

Each episode featured a low speed tractor chase with the Striped Buntàta and the bad guys’ black ‘48 Ferguson TE20 (it was the same one in every episode, no matter who the villains were) crashing through piles of kipper boxes, bales of wool or barrels of salted sgadan in the back streets between Newton and Sandwick Road..

Before “Starskigersta & Hutch”, Soval had fancied himself as a singer, and had put a few records out with a singular lack of success. Capitalising on his new-found fame, he scored several mid-70s hits in the Radio Ranol singles charts, including the moving tribute to a rocky Suilven crossing ‘Don’t Throw Up On Us, Baby’ and  ‘Silver Calumthelady’.

“Starskigersta & Hutch” came to an end in the late 70s after 4 series, but Soval didn’t rest on his laurels.  

In 1979 he received great critical acclaim for his starring role in a Grampian TV adaptation of Steven Kingcole’s spooky vampire horror ‘Sail-em’s Loft’. In this mini-series, a gang of vampires was going round the island drinking all the blood from cattle and sheep and putting the marag dubh industry in jeopardy. Luckily, Soval, playing the character of Beinn Mears, discovers that the vampires hang out in the old Sail Loft and torches them as they sleep. 

Later he went on to take the title role in a successful West Side run of “Jerry Springfieldroad: the Opera”.

Soval was also a well regarded guest on Tob Gear, BBC Alba’s popular tractor show. Soval had one of the fastest ever laps of the Bayhead/Matheson Rd/James St/North Beach/South Beach/Cromwell St race track in a 1980 ex Comhairle Massey Ferguson 575.

David Maccallumplace RIP

Fans of classic TV shows such as “The Man From U.N.C.L.E”, “Colditz”, “Sapphire And Steel” and more recently “NCIS” will have been saddened to hear of the demise recently of actor David McCallum. 

Sadly, amid the flood of tributes to McCallum from across the entertainment industry on both sides of the Atlantic, the death the same day of his slightly less successful Leodhasach cousin did not attract the media attention that it deserved.

Indeed it was barely even mentioned in the Gazette, despite the fact that McCallum’s island relative enjoyed a long and distinguished acting career of his own – not only BBC Alba but sometimes on Grampian as well.

David Keithstreet Maccallumplace was born in Newvalley in 1933, where his old man was lead melodeon player in the Laxdale Philharmonic Orchestra and his mother was second chanter. A career in music seemed certain, until the young David saw Sir Laurence Oliviersbrae tread the boards in Stornoway Thespians’ legendary 1938 production of “The Mearlach of Venison”. (Shakespeare’s lesser-known “other Scottish play” about poaching in Balallan). 

From that moment, Maccallumplace was bitten by the acting bug. 

Maccallumplace resolved to climb the thespian greasy pole by beginning as a jobbing actor in the theatres, and working his way up from there to stardom. Unfortunately his first paid post as an Assistant Stage Manager/Junior Bog Cleaner at Stornoway Opera House didn’t involve the sort of jobbie-ing that he’d envisaged, so he moved swiftly on to other roles. These included:

A juvenile delinquent trainee minister in “Violent Prayground”

The Radio Operator of the Loch Seaforth in “A Night to Church Member”

An episode of Coll TV’s cult early-60s sci-fi series “The Outend Limits”

Lt Cmdr Eric Ashpit-Ceàrc in ‘The Graip Escape’.

Visiting French loom repairman Phillsheepe Beart-ain in an episode of “Ferry Mason” ( a long-running legal drama featuring a Cal-mac skipper who’s also a frequent attender at Lodge Fortrose).

Big-budget 1965 biblical epic “The Greatest Stoarnoway Ever Told”, in which Maccallumplace played treacherous Rubhach disciple Chudas Isgarrabost.

A bravura performance as psychiatric patient Carloway Von Schlosser in “Freud: The Secret Parson” (starring tragic Uigeach actor Montgomery Cliff as the pioneering psychoanalyst and undercover Episcopalian priest at St Peter’s)

But of course Macallumplace is best known for playing the suave and mysterious Sgiathanach secret agent Illaya Kyleakin in BBC Alba’s big-budget 60s spy series ‘The Maw From U.N.C.L.E.

In “‘The Maw From U.N.C.L.E.”  McCallum and co-star Robert Bothan (who played Napoleon Soval) were up against  international criminal masterminds “THRUSHDAIR” 

(Traditional Hierarchy for Recipes of Unhygenic Sheep’s Heads, Duishes, And Interminable Retching), a sinister organisation bent on the global replacement of all other forms of food with traditional Hebridean cuisine. 

In the 70s McCallumplace had a high profile role in the popular BBC Alba series ‘Colditz’. This popular series related the stories of unsuspecting visitors to an unnamed housing estate on the outskirts of Stornoway, who became hopelessly imprisoned trying to find a way out of the maze of paths and cul-de-sacs. 

In the mid-70s McCallumplace moved across the Braighe to star in Rubach TV’s short-lived series loosely based on  H.G. Wellies’ novel “The Infishible Man”. Working on teleportation experiments for the Klaeparkstores Corporation, McCallumplace’s character Dr Domhnall Westside accidentally changes himself into a sgadan. With the aid of a hi-tech rubber mask he can still kid on to be himself, but when the need arises, he can go back to being a sked and act as a secret agent for the Departure of Agriculture and Fisheries.

The series was cancelled after 1 season  and replaced by “The Gemini Maw”, which was almost identical in its premise except that the hero could control his transformations using a fleekeen hardy new-fangled Casio digital watch that he’d got from George McCormack’s – all the rage at the time.

In 1979 McCallumplace returned to Grampian TV, co-starring with Joanna Leaclee in the cryptic and mysterious sci-fi series “Sabh-byre and Steall”. Nobody knew what the fleek it was supposed to be about, but the pair might possibly have been meant to be a couple of alien Board of Agriculture agents charged with combatting anomalies in the fabric of space and time and the sinister entities who created them, while also making sure that newly retrofitted inside toilets in old croft houses were up to scratch for the grant (or something). Each week, the humorous and more human Sabh-byre (Leaclee) would go on at length about “the flow” or “the streams’ while a grim-faced Steall shuffled uncomfortably, exhibiting visible relief only when called upon to test the new installation.

McCallumplace had a late career resurgence in the hit show ’NCIS’ (Not Crofted Investigation Service) as Dr Domnhall ‘Ducky’ Tunnag, a forensic surveyor who helped the NCIS team build a case against absentee crofters. Each week the NCIS investigators would look at an unused Croft and decide the most appropriate course of action. Each episode is based on a real case. The show is now in its 37th season (each with 24 episodes).

15 Years of MUHOS!

We’ve just realised that the (Made Up) History of Stornoway has been on the go for 15 years. 

During that time we have published 192 scholarly articles on a reasonably semi regular basis. Regular readers may recall postings about William Shakespeare’s visit to his grannie, the town’s ill fated Winter Olympic Bid, Led Zeppelin playing in the Scout Hall, Sci-fi epic Siar Wars and Maggie Thatcher’s unfortunate connections to the island. 

Over the 15 years we have featured key moments of previously neglected, and mysteriously forgotten about, Stornowegian history, as well as providing moving obituaries for many of the town worthies, actors, rock stars and other celebrities who have moved on to the Great Castle Grounds In The Sky (almost always, sadly, at the same time as a slightly more famous cousin from Away). 

And we have still only scratched the surface of the rich history of our town.

To celebrate our 15th anniversary we’ll be re-posting our first ever article from 2008, all about Stornoway’s underground railway network. (Originally available only on our WordPress blog, because we didn’t discover Facebook till a few years later yet). 

But we’re not just resting on our anniversary laurels tonight and recycling old ruppish, oh no. Later on this evening we’ll also be publishing a brand new  obituary of “Man From U.N.C.L.E.”, “Colditz” and “NCIS” star David McCallum’s cousin from Laxdale.

Fleek’s sake, man – it’s all go.

Whiskies of Old SY (and Around)

With all the fuss over the launch of thon Hearach whisky the other day, you’d be forgiven for thinking it was the first time a decent quality uisge-beatha had been distilled on this side of the Minch. 

But of course old SYs who know better will have been chuckling over a nyoggan of Abhainn Dearg (or even a tomhas mór of Old Shoe Burn Embrocation and Sheep Liniment that they’ve been keeping for a special occasion since 1844) and recalling the days when you couldn’t go anywhere from the Butt to Barra without stumbling over a top class artisan boutique craft distillery.

If it wasn’t for an unhappy run of events in the 19th century, that might still be the case today. But sadly, between thon Captain Oliver chasing around in his excise cutter, Sir J*mes M*theson trying to get everyone off the booze so that he could get them on the opium instead, the spread of the cuiream and then the temperance movement, the Outer Hebrides’ great whisky industry of yore was well and truly fleeked by the time a thirsty and disappointed Edward VII staggered up the steps at the pier looking for a decent deoch in 1902.

Unlike most whiskies, the Outer islands’  distilleries didn’t approve of maturing the drink in ready made sherry casks and the like, but instead got a few wee coves to nail together the remains of herring infused fish boxes into a passable resemblance of a barrel.

Left-over wood from old kipper boxes was particularly prized for the distinctive flavour that it imparted, and connoisseurs of the smokier dram would argue long into the night about the merits of wood from Maciver’s, McConnechy’s or Cailean Neillie’s.

Indeed, if you asked any truly discerning whisky enthusiast what their one wish would be, it’d be to travel back in time to the golden age of Outer Hebridean distilling in the early-mid 1800s. There, the connoisseur would find a literally unbelievable variety of artisan local drams on offer, inhabiting every market niche from “dirt cheap and fleekeen awful” blends to “overhyped and overpriced and still fleekeen awful” molts. (“Molt whiskies” were so called because they were often used to treat sheep scab and footrot). 

Here are but a few of the better known Outer Hebridean whiskies from these great days:

Famous Gress

Whyte & McAyeayecove

Spewers

Crawfter’s Five Star

Bell’s (Road)

Balallantine’s

Cuddy Sark

J&E

Back Bottle

Cac & Sh*te

Langa-vat 69

White Horshader

Seonaidh Waulk-er

Sheep-as Regal

Laxdalevullin

Cragganscornermore

La-froagy

Tomintolsta

Old Poultry

Manky Shader

Royal Bragar

The Macbalallan

Highland Parkend

Bunnahabhainneadar (the original Hearach whisky – very popular with the whalers).

Tarasgeir (heavily peated, of course, and much better than its later Sgiathanach cousin)

Ceard-beg

(Cailean)Bowmore

Glenfidigarry

Willowglenlivit

Glenmawangie

Highland Cearc

Glengarryvard

Glengarrynahine

Glengarry-nin

Dalmore (huidh, wait a minute…)

… and we are sure that our readers could name many more.

Historical Footnote: A surprising number of  readers – and indeed, sometimes even scholars of the cratur who should know better – are under the mistaken impression that Stornoway’s old Shoe Burn distillery was so called because of its proximity to Allt Nam Bròg, where generations of Maws would put on their posh town wellies before venturing into the metropolis. 

In fact, the distillery was so called because of the corrosive effect of its product when it came into contact with normal footwear. 

This, of course, was what led island proprietor James Alexander Stewart-Mackenzie and distillery manager Thomas McNee to commission German boot expert Dr Donner M Marten to design a range of practical yet fashionable “oil, fat, acid, alkali, and fleekeen ruppish whisky resistant” industrial footwear for the workforce.  

After much trial and error the good Doctor came up with his famous “Airidh-wear” soles, fondly known by generations of Stornowegians as ‘Donnie Murdos’.

The Shoe Burn management and workers were so grateful to Herr Doktor that they raised a public subscription and built the town’s Marten’s Memorial church in his honour. (The spelling was subsequently changed during the Great War when German things went out of fashion). 

In fact, next time you’re in Martin’s, keep an eye out and you chust might spot the discreetly placed carving of a size 10 pair of 8-eyelet cherry red 1460s that has delighted students of ecclesiastical architecture for over a century.

Micheal Parkendson RIP

It’s always the fleekeen same, isn’t it? You pop your clogs but your thunder is stolen by your more successful mainland cousin. Readers will no doubt be well aware that popular chat show host Michael Parkinson recently left us, with plenty of media coverage highlighting his long and illustrious career.

Sadly (with the exception of a passing mention on page 7 of the Steinish and Plasterfield Livestock Classifieds Quarterly) the national press did not feel that the demise the same day of Parkinson’s Leodhasach cousin merited a similar number of column inches.

But as always, us coves at MUHOS will try and rectify the situation and bring much deserved praise to the cove who was a fixture of the BBC Alba and Grampian TV schedules since before the telly was invented.

Michael Parkendson was born 88 years ago amid the pits, slagheaps and dark satanic mills of Cearns-ley, a forbidding cluster of peat-miners’ houses between Stornoway and Guershader.

Parkendson’s father toiled below ground at Grimeshaderthorpe Colliery, and had few pleasures in life apart from playing 44th chanter in the colliery’s world-renowned band, his pack of faithful racing sheep, and the loft of homing faoileags that he kept on his allotment. Watching his old man trudge home over the moor each night bowed beneath the weight of his tairsgear, coughing up lungfuls of smùir, his face black with dead midgies and humming the tune to the Hovis Bread advert, the young Parkendson resolved to get an education so that he wouldn’t have to follow his dad down t’ poll-mònach.

As a lad, Parkendson was a keen cricket player who liked nothing better than playing on the Cearns-ley village green on a Sunday morning in his cricket whites and then afterwards going to the quaint village pub for a much needed pint of ‘Old Bogie’. His early hopes of a career in the sport were dashed, however, by the fact that he had to play all on his own because nobody else in Cearns-ley knew what the fleek cricket was. The confiscation of his bat and shinpads by a posse of churchgoing cailleachs outraged by his Sabbath-breaking carry-on didn’t help either.

On leaving school Parkendson did his National Service on the Bin Lorries, seeing active service in the Middle East (Branahuie) during the Suet Crisis, before turning his hand to journalism. 

He started out as a junior reporter on the Melbost Guardian, writing articles about fish landings on Holm Pier and the latest drainage attempts at Sandwick School pitch.

He then moved to BBC Alba in the 1960s as an on-screen reporter, and eventually did his first chat show in 1971, simply called ‘Parkendson’.

Every Saturday night he interviewed the great and the good of Stornoway life, chatting to film stars, politicians, sports personalities and entertainers.

Guests included:

• Top comedian Uilly (The Big Tin) Cannery 
• Movie legend Ossian Wellies
• World Champion heavyweight box player Mohammed Caley (originally known as Cassius Cleitir, until he lost his sponsorship from thon hotel in Sheildinish for refusing to fight for South Lochs in the Viet Ram war)
• Fred Lochmórstàirre – top-hatted former employee at the Waterworks, where he learned everything he knew about tap dancing
• Roy CastleGrounds – top light entertainer and host of ‘Free Church Monthly RecordBreakers’
• Top crooner Bing Crossbost
• Wild actor Oliversbrae Peed
• Mod Hull and Guga

Parkendson also interviewed civic figures including various Provosts of Stornoway, Church Moderators of all denominations (not at the same time), famous bus drivers and members of the Dawn Squad. 

About the only major celebrity of the day who never appeared on his show was Cailleach an Déacoin. This was a constant source of regret to Parkendson, but ultimately The Cailleach was far too famous for BBC Alba to afford him.

In the early 1980s Parkendson took over as host of the popular and long running radio show ‘Deserted Island Dish’.  This show on Isles FM 4 featured a guest Niseach every week, speaking about their favourite dish and how they went about preparing it. Not surprisingly, every guest had the same favourite food (guga and potatoes) and all were cooked in exactly the same way (boil in diesel for 10 hours).

Parkendson also tried his hand at presenting ‘Give Us A Cluer’ alongside: Lionel Blarbuidhe and Ewe-na Stubbs.

Famously, Parkendson was one of the ‘Gang of Four’ who fronted Grampian’s morning tv slot ‘TV-AMadan’: Breakfast telly was all the rage then, and Grampian was keen to copy BBC Alba’s success with an impressive lineup that included  Angela Ripleyplace, Anna FordTerrace and David Frobost. 

And finally, in the mid 1970s, Parkendson surprised his viewers by appearing on the cover of ‘Band on the Randan’, the then new album from erstwhile Peatle Paul McCearc-ney and his new band ‘Swings(lockedonaSunday)’. The cover of the album featured the band, plus local celebrities, caught in a searchlight whilst trying to escape from the cells in Stornoway Police Station. Parkendson appeared on the cover along with Diggum Da, King Cole and Bogie.

Robbie Roberstsonroad RIP

The world of popular music is in mourning for the late great guitarist Robbie Robertson from The Band.

Robertson and his bandmates Levon Helm, Rick Danko, Richard Manuel and Garth Hudson served their time in the late 50s/early 60s as the Hawks, backing rockabilly star Ronnie Hawkins, and went on to become famous for their work with Bob Dylan in the late 60s and 70s, from the time he went electric up to their swansong performance with him in the film ‘The Last Waltz’ in 1978.

Sadly the fuss around Robertson’s demise meant that the passing the same day of his lesser-known cousin from Stornoway (an only slightly less successful musician himself) went largely unnoticed.

Robbie Robertsonroad grew up on Canada Crescent and became a music fan from an early age. His love of music soon brought him to buy a guitar from Fonn and very soon he was busy writing his own songs. His natural talent of knowing three chords soon brought him to the attention of well known rock-a-uilly artist Shonnie Mawkins. 

Shonnie Maw-kins and the Mawks were a popular Manor Park band and had a residency at the Porter’s Lodge. Shonnie had the reputation of being a hard taskmaster and expected nothing but the best from his Mawks. Several members came and went, driven out by the punishing touring and rehearsing schedule, but eventually a line up stabilised in the form of: 

Robbie Roberstsonroad- guitar 

Rick Fanko- banjo and vocal

Levon Holm – side drum and vocals

Richard Mawnewalls – button accordion and vocals

Garth Hughson- piano accordion, chanter and vocals

However, after a few years the Mawks started to get tired of Rock-a-Uilly and could see that musical tastes were changing with the coming of The Peatles and the Rolling Ollacks. They bailed out on Shonnie, leaving  him stranded on Coll Beach after playing for the 1962 Niccy 6th Years’ ‘End of School Dance and Sherry Tasting’ Evening.

With their new found freedom, the five of them hit the stages throughout Lewis. There wasn’t a wedding, wake or fank that they didn’t perform at. At first they called themselves  ‘Levon and the Mawks’ and later ‘The Mawks’, building up a critically acclaimed reputation as the band who knew all the way up to ‘Fa’ on the music scale. 

The Mawks caught the eye of local folk hero Bobban Dylan. He was heavily in to the Civil Rights movement and was the  composer of many popular folk songs including  ‘Blone In The Wind’ (about the scandal caused when a poor holy cailleach had her underskirts blown asunder by a sudden gust of wind in the Cromwell St  Narrows – which, it is rumoured, gave Mawraline Munro the idea for her famous photo) and ‘The Bus Times They are A-Changing’ (about the controversial decision to amend the time the last Mitchell’s bus left for the country on a Saturday night). 

Bobban asked them if they fancied becoming his backing group for a tour of Lewis. Bobban himself had seen the change a-coming  in musical tastes and wanted to broaden the scope of his music. 

And so the Mawks were with Bobban when he went electric. “Going electric” was of course even more of a challenge for Bobban Dylan than it was for his American cousin, since most of the venues on his infamous 1966 tour were in maw places that didn’t actually have any electricity yet. 

Older readers will no doubt be familiar with the big scandal at the Mangersta Free Church Hall concert in 1966 when the Mawks discovered (yet again) that they had fleek all to plug into. Matters were made worse when a section of the audience who’d turned up 14 years too soon (due to a misprint in the Gazette) realised that Dylan and the Mawks weren’t the famous late 70s metal band they’d been expecting to see. 

When their  demands for “Livin’ After Midnight” and “Breakin’ the Law” were refused, the audience became agitated and somebody let out the now infamous cry of: “Judas Priest!” 

After the shows with Bobban they decided it was time for them to go ‘solo’ and make a name for themselves without the need to back somebody famous. 

They decided that they would call themselves ‘The Baaah-nd’ and began a hugely creative period of songwriting. Robbie took the lead role and wrote most of their material including much loved classics like:

The Weighbridge

The Night Bennadrove Old Dixie Downtown

Up on Cripple Creed

This Creel’s on Fire

The Sheep I’m In

Life is a Cearn Phabaidh

In the summer of 1968, the Baaah-nd were looking for somewhere to record their debut LP, but their first choice of Tong Studios was unavailable due to its not having been invented yet. Luckily Rick Fank-o had got a job as a relief janny at the Nicolson, and during the holidays he was able to sneak the Baaah-nd into the deserted Springfield South building. It was there that they recorded their legendary album ‘Music From Big Pinkschool’.

Other classic studio albums included ‘Mawdog Matinee’ and ‘(Sober) Islands’.

By the late 70s The Baaah-nd knew that their time had run out and decided to split up, but not before going out in style.  The idea of a BBC Alba documentary film of their final concert was touted to them by film director Martin Sgorpsese and the Baaa-nd agreed to take part.

Their farewell concert took place in November 1976 in the Galaxy Ballroom.  It featured a stellar cast of the island’s top musicians including Eric Claptong, Neil Diamond, EmmyLewis Harris, Joni Mitchellsbus, Van Mawrison, Ringo StarrInn, Murdy Otters, Ronnie Woodlandcentre, and Neil Tong. 

The hours of footage was edited together and turned in to the ‘The Last Wooltz’ which came with a double live album featuring all their hits. 

After The Baaa-nd Robbie became a noted record producer and also wrote musical scores for adverts on Grampian, as well as film soundtracks including ’Raging Wool’ starring Robert di Niseach. 

He released several solo albums including the best selling “Robbie Robertsonroad” (1987), on which he collaborated with numerous artists including Peat-er Gabriel and Ewe2. The album spawned the hit songs ‘Showdown at Big Skyeferry’ (a duet with the Rev A**** S****) and of course, ‘Somewhere Down The Creedzy River’.