As America prepares to celebrate the inauguration of its next President, Let’s look at how similar ceremonies are carried out in the President-elect’s home village of Tong, and review some of the great Tong inaugurations of years gone by.
The President of Tong’s role is similar to that of his opposite number in the United States, with overall responsibility for domestic and foreign policy. He is also Chief Executive of the Common Grazings Committee and Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, which means he has ultimate responsibility for defence. And degate, deditch and defank.
The President’s Inauguration Ceremony takes place on the East Portico of the Tong Community Centre, and the oaths of office are administered by the Chief Chustice of the Tong Recreation Association, using ten slightly different versions of the Bible to ensure all of the different Presbyterian church denominations in the village are catered for without offending any.
The President’s deputy is sworn in first. The Chief Chustice waits till he’s not looking, then jabs him in the tòn with the Deamhais of The Republic, eliciting the traditional Vice-Presidential Oath: “Oww! Fleekeen Heng!”
After the Vice-President’s oath, the Brevig Marina Band blow their chanters four times and play “Hail, Columbia Place”.
The President is then sworn in. This year the words of the Presidential Oath are expected to be slightly different from the usual. It’ll probably go something like : “Fleek the fleekeen lot o’ youse! Youse are fake news! Especially the fleekeen Gazette!”
After the President’s oath, the Brevig Marina Band blow their chanters again and play “Hail to the Cheviots”, then everybody fleeks off for a big p***-up and a ceilidh in the Community Centre, where they’re entertained by the top performers of the day.
Famous Presidents of Tong who’ve been through the inauguration ceremony in the past have included:
– George Washingtong (1789)
– John Quicksand Adags (1825)
– Marag Van Burach (1837) (born the day a speeding Charlie Barley wagon full of black puddings overturned at the bend near Tong school).
– Milkinghillaird Fillmore (1850)
– Abraham Ling-con (1861) (assassinated at the Fordterrace Theatre in 1865 by John Whelks Buthchailleanneillidh for his alleged part in a fish-selling scam)
– Useless CHGS Grant (1869)
– Grover Clachanbiorach (1885 and 1893)
– Calvinist Cuireamidge (1923)
– Fanklin D Ruisgapelt (1933) (Sheep shearing champion at the Tong Highland Games 1910)
– Airidh S Truaghan (1945)
– Calum F Kennedy (1961)
– Richard Quicksand (1969)
– Gerald Fordterrace (1974)former
This year Tong will see President Elect Donald Turnip and Vice President Mike Sheep-Pense sworn in, despite ongoing controversy over the 2016 election process, and suspicions that they’ve been compromised by past dealings with the Rubhach secret services.
Turnip has consistently denied being in the pocket of Rubhach leader Vladimir Spùt-in, despite Turnip having had his sights on lucrative business opportunities behind the Peat-Iron Curtain.
Claims that Spùt-in’s shadowy intelligence network the FSB (or “Fleekeen Spying Bleigeards”) are blackmailing Turnip with a dossier of embarrassing material have also been strenuously denied. But rumours persist of fraudulent fencing grant applications, illegal peatcutting deals, and debauched parties with high-class mehhhags at a 5-star Garrabostograd hotel.
Entertainment at the Inauguration:
Traditionally, the island’s top entertainers have considered it a great honour to be asked to play the President of Tong’s Inauguration. Previous ceremonies have seen classic performances from the likes of King Cole, Barbara Steinishsands, James Bran-ahuie (performing “Seggs Machine”), Chuck Dunberisay and Lighthill Richard, Ricky Martinsmemorial, Michael JacksonoftheManse, Brue Springfieldroad, Jon Beni Drovi, Beyonceafoods and N**l E*die.
This year is different, however; due to the controversy and bad feeling surrounding Donald Turnip’s election victory, few of the island’s showbiz elite are keen to play. Initially a few big names were mentioned, but the likes of flamboyant accordionist Eltong John-Murdo and rapper/producer Coinneach West have nixed reports that they might be playing. Meanwhile, fading 80s glam peatstacker Vince Neilliedubh of Motley Cruäch has had his services declined.
Few of the current crop of top entertainers are Turnip supporters, so there’s no danger of – say – A. Dell, Grianan Day, Ceilidh Cyrus, Katy Ferry or Justin Timberloch turning up.
So far, it looks like the only confirmed act on the bill is The Rubhach Army Choir, whose services were kindly offered by Vladimir Spùt-in and who will present a popular selection of classic 1930s Stalinist anthems about tractor production in Lower Bayble. However, showbiz insiders also predict that several top Avante Gaelic Obscurist Folk Rock acts such as the Dun Ringles & the Guireans appear as well. “It’s the best deal” said Turnip yesterday. “Nobody will give these losers a gig, and nobody wants to play my inauguration. A lot of people tell me the Guireans and the Dun Ringles are the worst, and that’s the best because it means they’re not over-rated like thon Meryl Sheep blone (she can fleek off, by the way). Oh yus, and they’re cheap as fleek an’ all, so we’re gonna do this.”
At the end of the ceremony everybody will join in with the Tong National Anthem:
“Oh hee, can you see the dawn squad bumming a light
Who so proudly by Twilights last orders were steaming
Those Broadbay coves in the Star Inn had a perilous fight
O’er the harbour we watched as the vomit was streaming
And the whisky red label, jagerbombs bursting in air
Gave 100% proof vodka in a crate that was still there
Haoidh say, does that Star Inn still have booze for sale
O’er the nips that were free and the foam of the ale”.