Fank Ferry-iain and Bloney M

Fans of top quality manufactured pop and assembly-line Eurodisco were saddened to hear of the passing of German record producer Frank Farian, probably best remembered for Boney M and Milli Vanilli. 

From his lair in Deutschland’s FAR studios, 

Farian extended a Svengali-like control over the acts he produced and packaged, often recording the vocals himself and just getting his artistes to mime when out on tour.

By a bizarre coincidence, Farian’s passing happened to be on the same day as his third cousin Fank from Ness. As it happens, Fank Ferry-iain was no mean producer himself, scoring many top 40 successes in the world of prefabricated Leodhasach schlagerpop and generic  Eoropiedisco.

In the early 70s, producing records for other people in his high end FAIRE studios in the Niseach village of Mawsbach, Ferry-iain became fed up with his narcissistic pop star clients and their over-inflated opinions of their abilities. 

Fsnk saw these acts making fortunes (sometimes up to £3.54p) despite him doing all the hard production work, and decided it would be a lot more profitable if he owned the acts, played all the music, controlled everything and pocketed all the takings. 

With this in mind Fank established Bloney M in 1976.  His business model was to write and record a pile of catchy pop songs but hire three blones who couldn’t sing and a cove that vaguely knew how to do a couple of Highland Dances, and get them to mime to a pre-recorded song, as a ‘real’ group. 

The four lucky people Fank hired were Liz Mitchellsbus, Marie Barrethomesnearplasterfield, Maizi JDWilliamscatalogue and dancer Bobban Farnol

(Farnol was Ferry-Iain’s second choice – he’d originally wanted to recruit a certain famous Stornoway worthy for the role, but couldn’t afford him. For similar reasons Ferry-iain was forced to abandon his initial choice of name: “Bogey M”).  

Co dhiù, Ferry-iain dressed the ‘band’ up in the latest 1970s ‘dees-go’ fashions (flared boiler suits and sequined Arnish boots) and sent them off around the Youth Clubs, village halls and bothans, to start building up a fan base. 

After a lacklustre start, Bloney M made a career-changing appearance on top Radio Brenish DJ Murchadh Löchiebuzch’s TV show “Musiklachan” which was widely broadcast all over most of Uig. As a consequence, their single “Daddy Cool(egrein)” shot to the top of the Maciver & Dart’s hit parade.

From there on there was no stopping Bloney-M, and a string of hits dominated the charts through 1977 and 78, including:

Maw Baker: following hot on the heels of Daddy Cool(egrein)

By the Rivers of Bayble-on: (which dominated the Woolies charts in 1978, thanks to a double A side with Brown Gull In The Ling) 

Ra Ra Ranish Spùt-in 

(A big success in the West, but banned in North Lochs, the Soviet Union and Point). 

Crofter Van

Hurray Hurray It’s a Communion Holy-Holiday

Mary’s Maw Child (Xmas number one in 1978 and became one of the top selling singles ever – 7 copies!!)

Bloney M also had huge success with their album ‘Night Flight to Valtos’, packed as it was with hit after hit.

Eventually as the 1980s rolled on the hits began to dry up, and Fank’s interest in Bloney M diminished.  Matters came to a head in 1985 when their single “Young, Free Presbyterian and Single” peaked at number 48 in the DD Morrison’s Top 20 and the band split up. 

But that didn’t keep Fank down for long. He hit gold once more in the late 80s and early 90s with  StickysMilli-Van-Uilly, another ‘studio’ act who had a string of hits including ‘Girl You Know It’s Bru’ and ‘Girl I’m Gonna Miss Ewe’  . They also had groovy outfits worthy of the 1970s excesses of Bloney M, with trademark Umbro football shorts from Nazirs and thigh high wellies from the Crofters. 

StickysMilli-Van Uilly received a Granny award in 1989 for best album but this was soon revoked when it was discovered that the two band members didn’t sing on any of their songs and that it was all Calum Kennedy samples. 

Ferry-iain also produced Peat Loaf’s 1986 album “Blind Before I Stop Drinking 4 Crown” when the Loaf and his regular producer Jim Steinishman were having one of their falling outs. 

And he propaply did some other stuff as well.